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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27945668">yearning, until your burning</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/StreakingHerculobus/pseuds/StreakingHerculobus'>StreakingHerculobus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Borderline Personality Disorder, Comfort, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Manipulation, Fire Nation (Avatar), Fire Nation Lore (Avatar), Fire Nation Politics (Avatar), Fire Nation Royal Family, Heavy Angst, Japanese Mythology &amp; Folklore, Mental Instability, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Psychosis, Spirit World, Transformation, Verbal Abuse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:14:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,770</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27945668</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/StreakingHerculobus/pseuds/StreakingHerculobus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Azula is not who she thinks she is. And the others don’t know whether to be relieved or horrified.</p>
<p>The Fire Nation has always burned hotter than the other kingdoms. Periods of stability followed by periods of war. Reflected in a teenage girl.</p>
<p>Some glories are so twisted that they are not worth attaining.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>yearning, until your burning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Welcome to my fic, as inspired by Frozen 2. The hero's journey will also play a role, though that doesn't necessarily mean everyone will get a happy ending.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Azula first released blue fire, she was not that surprised. For some reason, the color just felt right, like it had been waiting her whole life to emerge and play in the light of the sun.</p>
<p></p><div class="WordSection1">
  <p class="Body">The Fire Sages in their ignorance only applauded her ability and made vapid comments about being the best in generations.</p>
  <p class="Body">Ursa, being the granddaughter of the last Fire Avatar, was more reserved about the development, but she dared not tell anyone.</p>
  <p class="Body">As Azula grew older, the more her behavior began to fluctuate. She would spend a week in her room, resisting any attempts at human contact, studying old scrolls she nicked from the palace library.</p>
  <p class="Body">The next week she would spend on the training field, <span class="SpellE">firebending</span> for hours on end, and camping there overnight.</p>
  <p class="Body">Zuko, through all this, was appreciative of the moods where she would either be nice to him or ignore him. However, he felt that the Azula which was mean to him was more natural, and he almost preferred her that way (which was a scary thought).</p>
  <p class="Body">Ozai, in the beginning proud and eager to have such a prodigy as his daughter, gradually became disillusioned with her conflicting behavior. He tried to stamp it out, but eventually he was forced to admit it wasn’t rebellion or flakiness on her part. She seemed utterly incapable of acting like a proper heir should. Looking at Zuko, Ozai cursed his lack of options.</p>
  <p class="Body">"Father’s going to kill you."</p>
  <p class="Body">She said it in a song-song voice which made Zuko groan. <span class="GramE">Apparently</span> he was due for a good ribbing from his sister, although this dialogue was more disturbing than usual. He buried his face into his pillow and told her to go away.</p>
  <p class="Body">"I’m serious, Zuko."</p>
  <p class="Body">She never called him by his full name unless it was important. Suddenly awake, he propped himself up on his elbows. “Azula, I don’t want to mess with you right now."</p>
  <p class="Body">"Grandfather said that Dad should know the pain of losing his <span class="GramE">first born</span> son. I guess your little display didn’t impress anyone."</p>
  <p class="Body">"Azula, tell me right now. This isn’t another one of your little games, is it?"</p>
  <p class="Body">She shook her head. "<span class="SpellE">Zuzu</span>, I would never lie about this."</p>
  <p class="Body">It was that moment when their mother decided to join them.</p>
  <p class="Body">"What is going on in here?" Seeing her daughter in her typical haughty pose, she grew angry. "Azula, are you harassing your brother again? You should be in bed." She grabbed her <span class="GramE">daughters</span> arm and was about to escort her back to her room, when Azula wouldn’t stop struggling.</p>
  <p class="Body">"But Mother, I was just trying to warn him! Dad's going to kill him. Grandfather said so!"</p>
  <p class="Body">Ursa bent down to her <span class="GramE">daughters</span> level and raised a finger. "This is nothing to be joking about. I’m used to your usual borderline behavior, but this is going too far. Tomorrow, we’re going to have a talk." She sighed and shook her head. "And maybe see a doctor."</p>
  <p class="Body">"Mother," a meek voice spoke up behind them. Zuko, maybe because they were siblings, maybe for some other reason, was always more connected to Azula than they both realized. "I think she’s telling the truth."</p>
  <p class="Body">Ursa slowly straightened her back. The story, terribly enough, wasn’t out of the realm of possibilities. Her husband would do anything to get the throne. And Azulon was very traditional in his punishments. "Both of you, return to bed. I will take care of <span class="GramE">everything, if</span> there’s anything to take care of." She gave Azula one last measured stare, the <span class="GramE">both of them</span> not realizing it would be the last they saw of each other.</p>
  <p class="Body">Years later, the promised therapy sessions occurred. Zuko, as the Fire Lord, gained certain privileges over his sister that he never enjoyed prior to <span class="SpellE">Ozai's</span> forced succession.</p>
  <p class="Body">Azula was deemed <span class="GramE">a</span> unknown quantity and she wanted to tell them she was never not deemed such. Her bending scared them. She legitimately killed the Avatar, worse, she almost ended the Avatar cycle, so everyone was constantly on guard, despite her seeming compliance with the overthrow.</p>
  <p class="Body">"Listen, I don’t know what you expect to get out of these little psychological trysts, but I guarantee you. It won’t be of any use. I am me. And I don’t want to be anyone else. If other people have a problem with that, it’s too bad. I’m not changing. And I’m not taking those drugs your assistant was giving my handler earlier. Yes, I saw that."</p>
  <p class="Body">"To be honest, I have to agree with you. You are a very motivated person with a <span class="GramE">one track</span> mind, even if it varies somewhat. Outside of these intense periods of hyperactivity, you are completely normal. He removed his glasses. I would just ask that you at least try the sedatives. You will be surprised how people start making sense and how easier it will be to get along."</p>
  <p class="Body">Azula doesn’t reply.</p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body">"Azula, you forgot to take your pill."</p>
  <p class="Body">Azula looked up at the mirror and saw Ty Lee standing innocently in the background. "I didn’t forget anything, although it’s sneaky of you to pretend like it’s only an oversight on my part."</p>
  <p class="Body">Ty Lee shrugged.</p>
  <p class="Body">"So where is it? And I don’t know if I like this sudden assertive Ty Lee."</p>
  <p class="Body">Azula was handed the medicine and she clutched it in her palm, as if she held the weight of the world in her fingers. "Do I have a choice in the matter?"</p>
  <p class="Body">The <span class="SpellE">non answer</span> was telling, and Azula sighed. She swallowed the pill, noticing how Ty Lee studied her the entire time, and Azula wondered when her closest childhood friend was made her official babysitter.</p>
  <p class="Body">"I don’t have much of a choice in anything now, do I?"</p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body">One day Azula has enough of all the patronizing and she lashes out at the tapestries in the meeting hall. They go up in smoke and everyone freezes. Azula smirks, happy that at least she can still catch people off guard.</p>
  <p class="Body">Azula noticed that when she stood up to assault the tapestries, so did Ty Lee and Suki in unison as if it was practiced. One was on her right and the other on her left.</p>
  <p class="Body"><em>Well, if it’s a fight they want, it’s a fight they’ll get. </em>Azula wasn't sure what brought this sudden bout of aggressiveness on. She figures that the weeks of holding back have boiled over and she's going to take advantage of her energy, even if it's guaranteed to not end well for her.</p>
  <p class="Body">She struck at Suki’s feet causing her to jump back. Ty Lee was already executing her own attack, but Azula managed to twist her body enough so that it would only leave a bruise and not cut off her motor skills.</p>
  <p class="Body">The others in the room, Katara and Sokka, wanted to join, but Zuko raised his hand, not wanting the situation to escalate. Mai, holding her teacup, watched with indifference.</p>
  <p class="Body">Suki by this time had recovered and performed a sweep with her leg, knocking Azula over, but the princess caught herself before she hit the ground. Ty Lee capitalized on this, poking at a vulnerable place on her hip, and Azula felt the first of her limbs go numb.</p>
  <p class="Body">Screaming, she summoned powerful jets of flame from both hands, instantly raising the temperature of the room, causing everyone to sweat. Ty Lee realizing this was getting out of hand, pounced towards her and ducking a heated fist, she landed four or five good shots on her body.</p>
  <p class="Body">Azula crumpled, her bending taken for the moment, and instead of feeling angry as she would expect, found the whole situation amusing. She never focused on the martial arts, not that she was against them. Bending always lured her away. As a result Azula was not the greatest when it came to a fist fight. Not compared to Mai or Ty Lee who had to compensate for their lack of bending since they were children.</p>
  <p class="Body">After that, they doubled her dose.</p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body">Nights grew in enchantment the turn of her fifteenth birthday. She would lounge on her bed and look out through the lace curtains of her balcony at the moon and stars. Her hair seemed to have a white tinge to them at these times and she felt rejuvenated by the peace of the sky.</p>
  <p class="Body">It was one of the things that she relished about the palace. How it stared over the contents of a glowing Caldera and above it all, an unfathomable vacuum of space. And when she would finally fall asleep, the dreams she was shown. Of <span class="SpellE">far away</span> lands, of dragons breathing purple fire, and princes and princesses bringing peace to their kingdoms, and oh how she wished she could be like them.</p>
  <p class="Body">These thoughts lingered to her waking hours and she found it hard to reconcile them with the ordinary cares and concerns of her brother and friends.</p>
  <p class="Body">"What shall we do about the colonies?"</p>
  <p class="Body">Zuko had put it off for as long as possible, knowing that it was kind of subject where no one would be happy, no matter the outcome. Azula <span class="GramE">was allowed to</span> be at these strategy meetings, but her advice largely went ignored. It was an intimate meeting, only Mai joined them. Really, this was the first step in a process to prepare for the real meeting, a summit in the early spring with the Earth King.</p>
  <p class="Body">"What about them?" Mai drawled.</p>
  <p class="Body">Azula furrowed her brows, not expecting Mai to have such a strong feeling.</p>
  <p class="Body">Zuko looked at her. "We stole them from the Earth Kingdom!"</p>
  <p class="Body">"We liberated them from the Earth Kingdom, Brother. Or do you forget who ruled Ba Sing Se at the time?"</p>
  <p class="Body">Zuko shook his head. "Yeah, but that wasn't the fault of the places we colonized. Now that <span class="SpellE">Kuei</span> is in power, they will be treated much more fairly."</p>
  <p class="Body">Azula rolled her eyes. "<span class="SpellE">Kuei</span> is an idiot. And who's to say another Long Feng doesn't come along and pull the wool over his eyes again? You'd be subjecting Fire Nation civilians to utter incompetence."</p>
  <p class="Body">"Zuko," Mai spoke up. "I have to agree with Azula on this one. I don't think we should give the colonies over to the Earth King. But I don't think we should necessarily keep them as well. If you remember, I lived in a <span class="SpellE">Hellenic</span> city myself. The last thing these poor people need is more disruption."</p>
  <p class="Body">Zuko threw his hands up, not expecting for his girlfriend to outnumber him on this issue. "Then what do you suggest?"</p>
  <p class="Body">"Easy, brother. If you are so against keeping the colonies, release them. Propose to that kook in Ba Sing Se that the colonies become their own territory."</p>
  <p class="Body">"This is insane. Azula, I for one am not the one thinking illogically here. Dealing with the Earth Kingdom is bad enough. Why would I want to add another unknown factor to this powder keg we call a continent?"</p>
  <p class="Body">"Because of the opportunities."</p>
  <p class="Body">"<span class="GramE">So</span> you're gambling."</p>
  <p class="Body">Azula shrugged.</p>
  <p class="Body">"With the entire future of the Fire Nation?"</p>
  <p class="Body">"Hey. You don't win if you don't play." She stood up and bent over to whisper in his ear. "And if you just <span class="SpellE">acquiesce</span> to the Earth King's demands, then you're not even a player."</p>
  <p class="Body">He put his face in his palm. "Why does she have to choose the worst times to make sense?"</p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body">"Welcome to bliss," Azula muttered, laying in the comfort of her training ground. She decided not to spar today. Not that anyone would <span class="SpellE">firebend</span> with her. And playing karate with Ty Lee and Mai wasn't as fun as it used to be when they let her win.</p>
  <p class="Body">She picked up a letter from her side, addressed to Lu Ten. Though he was dead, she decided to write him a letter. She was sure that the contents would entertain him. It had been dramatic and event-filled two years. She wondered what it would have been like at the siege of Ba Sing Se. It must have been gritty, she supposed. And she once again noted the irony of how all those earthbenders died only for Ba Sing Se to fall bloodlessly a few years later.</p>
  <p class="Body">But that also meant that Lu Ten died in vain as well. She suddenly didn't feel as proud anymore.</p>
  <p class="Body">"What's that?" a voice disrupted her quiet time. And as usual, it was Ty Lee, breathing bustle into the day.</p>
  <p class="Body">Azula quickly folded it into her clothes and sharply replied, "Nothing." Though she was beginning to gradually relax around the others (mostly due to the medication), she vowed to never share her most private thoughts no matter how strong of dose she is given.</p>
  <p class="Body">"I don't feel like myself."</p>
  <p class="Body">There was a momentary guilty look to Ty Lee's eyes, and Azula knew that the topic always strained her. But Ty Lee, as a person, was very obedient. The problem was Ty Lee had a new set of influences, the hokey <span class="SpellE">Kyoshi</span> warriors and their creepy fascination with a dead avatar.</p>
  <p class="Body">"I'm sorry, Princess. Maybe you'll feel better tomorrow." Ty Lee also was the queen of avoidance, and sometimes Azula liked that about her. Sometimes, Azula resented it.</p>
  <p class="Body">"The summit is tomorrow," Ty Lee noted. "I wonder what Mai's doing right now."</p>
  <p class="Body">Ah, the summit. The reason she was secluded in her room the entire week except for one hour a day. Otherwise, she would be plotting Zuko's overthrow. Did they not realize if she <span class="GramE">was</span> going to rise up so to speak (as if she would be that cliched) she would have done it months ago?</p>
  <p class="Body">"She's probably getting ready to go to battle with <span class="SpellE">Kuei's</span> bear. They didn't get along last time."</p>
  <p class="Body">"I hope not. That would be some story, huh? Relations worse than ever due to a dispute between the Fire Lord's girlfriend and the Earth King's pet."</p>
  <p class="Body">Overall, Azula thought, it was probably a preferable outcome to whatever nonsense gets decided at that meeting.</p>
  <p class="Body">They would also be discussing her, the Fire Nation princess, and her involvement in the coup of the city. Zuko was aware that defending his sister already put him on the back foot of negotiations, but the <span class="GramE">soft hearted</span> fool would give up the world for his younger sibling. Even if his sibling didn't like him. Something about rules of being a brother. She didn't understand it herself.</p>
  <p class="Body">Uncle didn't exactly endorse their decision to not give away the colonies (as if they were currency to exchange anyways). But he didn't dissent either. He made it clear that Zuko should rule according to his own sensibilities and that he trusted his nephew's judgement.</p>
  <p class="Body">"Things only get harder from here I think," Azula remarked. <em>For me especially.</em></p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body">Azula could no longer ignore the call. The sedatives didn't help. Training didn't help. Talking with the others didn't help. Azula felt boxed in, which was the icing on the cake, considering the frills of her permanent probation.</p>
  <p class="Body">Lightning lit up the night sky and Azula found herself cuddling further beneath the covers. It was as if the elements were angry that she tarried so long, and the storm warned of worse things to come not just to her, but to all of Caldera if she did not submit.</p>
  <p class="Body">Thunder rolled through the palace, shaking the walls. Azula marveled at the wrath of the <span class="GramE">earth, and</span> dreaded the day it's firm judgement would be directed at her.</p>
  <p class="Body">She remembered back to that fall from the air balloon. She remembered her brother's worried face. In that moment she felt the most alive, not because she was on the path to dying, but because she was in free fall. There were no guarantees and no one besides herself that would come to her rescue.</p>
  <p class="Body">These four walls, though comforting, were losing their luster. And despite what she could lose, what Zuko would think of her, the possibility of being persecuted, she could wait no longer. She would have to plan carefully. But that was always her strong suit.</p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body">Preview</p>
  <p class="Body">
    <em>"A long time ago, before there was recorded history, Amaterasu and the Avatar Spirit had a disagreement. As a compromise it was decided the next Fire Avatar would also be half Fire Spirit. Thus, Kagu-<span class="SpellE">tsuchi</span> was born, and she is said to have been the most powerful fire bender ever."</em>
  </p>
  <p class="Body">
    <em>"What am I supposed to do with this information?"</em>
  </p>
  <p class="Body">
    <em>"Do with it what you will. I realize it is hard to decipher the signs around you, but you must try. Else, Kagu-<span class="SpellE">tsuchi</span> will finish what she started."</em>
  </p>
  <p class="Body">
    <em>"Wait! What do you mean finish what she <span class="GramE">started.</span> What did she do?"</em>
  </p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
  <p class="Body"> </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Note that this fic is not a commentary of mental health whatsoever. It is purely a Quest/Rebirth story that features mild psychosis symptoms if they can be called that. I do not know if Azula could have been clinically diagnosed throughout the whole series (ignoring the novel). For my purposes, she had a temporary nervous breakdown which she recovered from. However, it doesn't mean that her behavior and emotions that led up to that event were normal. As shown in the series, it started from a young age (Azula pelting those turtle ducks with rocks). In addition, Ozai's handling of Azula (for the purposes of this story) was not the sole factor which led to her irregular behavior, but the environmental stimulus which spurred an affliction that was intrinsic in origin.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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